The Page That Has Its Fingers, Toes And Nethers Crossed
Wednesday April 06 2005
To Tel And Back
Highlights of Terry Venables' 'punditry' on ITV1 during the Liverpool v Juventus game...
1) His loud, less-than-PC shout of 'WOP!' over a replay of Luis Garcia's goal. Watch it Tel, Rodney Marsh got sacked for less.
2) Repeatedly referring Zlatan Ibrahimovic by another famous football name - 'Abramovich'.
3) Calling Del Piero just 'Piero', presumably under the misapprehension that his first name was Del, short for Derek.
4) His insistence that the game was not 'high tempo', but rather 'speed tempo'.
5) His dictionary-shredding comment that Liverpool 'out-physicalled' Juventus in the first half.
Had he been indulging in a touch of the Delias in pre-match hospitality, we wonder. Or is he just pants?
And For The Next Myth
Mused ITV1s Clive Tyldesley as he pondered why nobody but Chelski have a decent keeper...
"It makes you wonder just where Jose Mourinho found Petr Cech."
The answer for anyone who hasn't got their head stuck up Joses backside is that he didnt.
Chelski signed Cech in February 2004 - a full six months before Jose arrived in London to find one significant part of his job already done for him.
What A Difference A Day Makes
The Daily Mirror, April 5 (Exclusive): Portsmouth will turn to former Aston Villa boss John Gregory to save them from relegation. Gregory is set to make a sensational return to the manager's seat at Fratton Park within the next 48 hours after Portsmouth chairman Milan Mandaric rushed through plans to appoint a new boss.
Milan Mandaric, April 5: "There's lot of names. Gregory? No, I can tell you definitely not. I've not even talked to him. With all due respect to him, he is not a candidate. I don't know where the name is coming from."
The Daily Mirror, April 6: 'Porstmouth are to make an official approach for ex-Aston Villa boss Brian Little after fans forced them to ditch a move for John Gregory.'
How To Make Lower League Football More Exciting
It's an age-old problem and the BBC Sport website seems to have hit upon a solution with their latest match report...
'Barnsley went ahead when Manchester United loan signing Daniel Nardiello converted Chris Shuker's killer pass. Wrexham drew level after the break when Darren Ferguson slid in at the back post, then took the lead when Chris Llewellyn struck from close range. But Stoke equalised when Michael Chopra slammed home a loose ball after Robbie Williams' shot came off the bar.'
So that's how you get the punters in - put out three teams instead of the usual two and stick a pop star in as a striker. Magic.
Come In Tony, Come In Tony
Franck Queudrue's hopes of playing for the Republic of Ireland have been dashed after the Middlesbrough defender made a mistake over his ancestry' reports The Guardian.
'Queudrue last week announced he would consider wearing the green of Ireland. The 26-year-old claimed an Irish grandfather helped him qualify for Brian Kerr's side, but a disappointed Queudrue today revealed: "Unfortunately I am one generation out. I am very proud of my Irish ancestry, but it's my great grandfather who was from Ireland and that's not enough for me to play."'
Mediawatch gives it one week before Tony Cascarino reminisces about his dubious qualification to play for Ireland.
Mental Image Of The Day
'Asked if Bowyer should consider himself lucky he was still a Newcastle player, Shepherd replied: "He should go down on his hands and knees."'
You've been a bad, bad boy...
Brought To Book
Premiership footballers have been naming their favourite books for a National Literacy Trust campaign. Nobody will be surprised to learn that many chose children's stories - presumably for the pictures - though we bet Lee Carsley doesn't get asked too often if his Everton teammates can borrow Paolo Coelho's 'The Alchemist' ('about an Andalusian shepherd boy named Santiago who travels from his homeland in Spain to the Egyptian desert in search of a treasure buried in the Pyramids' it says on Amazon).
But Mediawatch is a little curious about the 'friendship' between Chris Kirkland and John-Arne Riise after seeing his choice - a little-known book called 'There's a Viking in My Bed'.
Question Of The Week
A reader writes: 'Is it just a coincidence that Jose Mourinho offers a quit threat the same day the papacy comes up for grabs?'
Worst Headline Of The Day
It Looks Gr-Eight For Cats' - The Daily Mirror.
Quote Of The Day
"Given the chance to play for Ireland I would have walked there. But it's not possible" - Franck Queudrue spots the Irish Sea.
Rumour Of The Day
'Soccer's Phil Neville was at the centre of an amazing riddle last night over a four-letter text blasting boss Sir Alex Ferguson. The message, apparently sent from the footballers mobile, branded his Man United manager a 's***house' and called him 'f***ing Fergie' - The Sun. Who else thinks Gary did it?
Thanks to today's Mediawatch spotters: The F365 forum, Richard Proctor, Phillip Broeders, Tim Colyer, Ronan McDonagh and Steve Hunt.
Seen or heard anything that belongs on this page? It could be a commentator's gaffe, a terrible headline pun, a brilliant spelling error or just about anything daft that appears in the papers or on TV or radio. Send your submissions to , putting Mediawatch in the subject field