The Page Which Is Moving Slower Than Peter Ebdon
Thursday April 28 2005
Does the phrase 'laughing stock' occur for anyone else? And have Newcastle considered redirecting Lee Bowyer's recent £200,00 fine towards hiring a Press Officer who has some concept of how to use grown-up phrases?
Good News
Says Rafa Benitez after the draw at Chelski: "We knew what to do against Chelsea, we know they have a lot of good players who can create opportunities. It is a good situation. We have very good supporters, they will be with us at Anfield. We played a good game. The team worked hard and controlled the game, they had chances but a draw is a good result."
Good!
(But not quite as good as Virgin Radio announcing the tie was 'Massively mega')
Making A Mark
Fortunately for those who missed the match, Thursday morning's papers are full of the player ratings which reveal who were the star performers and who resembled Pascal Cygan.
Lets begin with Claude Makelele, for instance. Hes a much-underestimated player, so how did the papers estimate his performance?
'Gave the ball away more in the first 20 minutes than he has done in the last 20 games,' thunders The Sun, with the concurring The Guardian declaring: 'Uncharacteristically slapdash with his early passing.'
Which will be a surprise to the BBC readers who were instead informed: 'Rarely failed to pick out a Chelsea team-mate'. According to The Times, meanwhile, dear Claude displayed 'wily distribution'.
Team-mate Ricardo Carvalho also earned The Times' approval: 'Had a busy evening but always knows how to cope. Almost immaculate 8/10'.
So immaculate and capable that he 'was flummoxed by Garcia's gliding run and beaten by Baros in the air for Cech to save' according to the Guardian, awarding the defender a meagre five out of ten. 'Lacked usual presence,' adds the Sun helpfully.
And so busy, it seems, that he was 'largely untested by the Liverpool attackline' according to the Beeb, with The Daily Telegraph asserting: 'Liverpool lacked punch, he was relatively untroubled'.
What, then, of William Gallas, who has threatened to leave unless he takes Carvalho's central berth?
'Does not like playing at left back and exposed when he goes wandering out of position,' notes The Times. 'Again did a fine job as a makeshift full-back' opined the BBC.
And what's he like on the front, er, foot?
'Worked well at left-back on the overlap' concludes the Telegraph. 'Was forced to come inside on to his right foot before crossing,' declares the Sun disapprovingly.
With Damien Duff injured, the admirable Eidur Gudjohnsen had to play ahead of Gallas on the left-hand side of midfield.
'Was at his best when turning to run from deep, even spreading play expertly to Cole on the right,' purrs the Guardian. 'Caused Liverpool problems in the first half running from deep' adds the Beeb.
The Sun saw things rather differently, however.
'Never looked comfortable wide on the left and kept drifting inside into a congested midfield,' it complains.
And as for the Telegraph, they were failing to see what everybody else has seen for the past two months.
'For a striker he sometimes played very deep and had a relatively limited impact on the match,' it declares with apparent bemusement.
Perhaps somebody at Telegraph HQ should be informed that Gudjohnsen has been playing in midfield since Februarys Carling Cup final.
Fergies Next Move
Publicly declaring a surprising amount of interest in his mad ravings, the FA have cosied up to Sir Alex by asking for his "observations" on previous claims that theres something "sinister" about the recent shortage of penalties for ManYoo.
Presumably this will result in the great man sending the FA a detailed report of each and every penalty he believes ManYoo should have been awarded this season (conservative estimate: 62), perhaps accompanied by either a video or an appropriate slide-show.
Either that or he'll simply point out that theres been something suspicious about Mike Riley's lack of appearances at the Theatre of Drivel this term.
Polite Notice
And just once more, let us turn to the small matter of Rio's recent 'misunderstanding' with a pesky photographer.
Says the alleged victim: "Out of politeness I asked Rio if it was OK to take pictures...He said, 'No it isn't! I carried on taking pictures of Rio..."
Asking a question and then ignoring the answer: the very definition of politeness.
(On a similar(ish) note, it reminds Mediawatch of Mike Tyson's behaviour a few years ago when he attacked Lennox Lewis during a pre-fight press conference. While Mad Mike considered it quite acceptable conduct to take a bite out of his opponent's leg, he only launched his assault having first observed one of the finer points of etiquette by removing his hat).
What A Bell-End
Let us return for a moment, if we can, to Newcastles latest bother with Craig Bellamy.
The striker has denied sending less-than-flattering text messages to Alan Shearer, claiming that his phone was lost on a recent trip to Ireland. In Toon parlance, Freddie Shepherd is knocking seven bells out of that tale.
"He has since claimed that he lost his phone," the Toon chairman thundered to the BBC, adding scathingly: "I suppose it was found by someone who knew Alan and Kenneth's numbers."
Moving ahead of such examples as 'why no press officer at St James'?' and 'would there be enough material for Mediawatch to be produced every day if it wasn't for Carry-On-Toon?' in the list of 'Great Unanswered Questions Of Our Time' is now the small matter of how it can be possible that a man in Shepherd's position is apparently unaware that telephone numbers can be stored in a mobile phone and Bellamy's alleged thief would not have to posses psychic qualities.
Question Of The Day
Asks Dominic Woodford:
'With your headline on your own website: 'Diouf: I'll copy Cantona' does that mean that fresh from spitting at fans and players, allegedly beating up a Big Issue seller outside a night club and winning the most dubious penalty ever against Blackburn, Diouf is now going to launch himself two footed into a supporter sitting in the front row in Eric Cantona's kung fu style?'
And Finally
Apologies in advance, but F365 will be bereft of Mediawatch's inane ramblings on Friday as your humble columnist has a golf competition to win. We'll be back on Tuesday when we'll be happy to provide a hole-by-hole account to any reader interested in our march to inevitable victory.
Worst Headline Of The Day
'Dyer in tights as Newcastle put on pantomime display' The Independent. It's the image that does it.
Rumour Of The Day
'When Maradona played for Napoli he would always arrive back from Argentina carrying two footballs, which he would hold up as he got off the plane, for a big photo session. Each ball contained a kilo of cocaine' Popbitch
Runner-Up
When Maradona met the Pope, he was so scared that he had to be escorted to a side room to have a cheeky nose-up before meeting the pontiff where do you think?
Thanks to today's Mediawatch spotters: Jim Heaton, Jesse.
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