The Page Which Would Be Twice The Length If It Had A Decent Computer Which Didn't Crash And Lose Copy Twice A Day
Monday April 11 2005
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'A leading Premiership manager last night revealed football's worst kept secret and insisted Steven Gerrard has already agreed to join Chelsea this summer in a £30million transfer. The manager let slip the switch was a done deal and that the England midfielder had already made up his mind to move to Stamford Bridge' reports The Daily Mirror on Saturday.
'The cock-up, in an off-the-cuff remark to journalists, will anger Liverpool and the player who have repeatedly said no decision has been made on the midfielder's future.'
Those who wished to know the identify of the errant, gobby 'leading Premiership' didn't have to look very far, however.
While not quite naming names, The Sun's backpage lead of 'Manchester United fear Chelsea have already agreed a deal to land Steven Gerrard...Ferguson would love to have the Liverpool captain' was a clue that even the vast majority of Sun readers could detect.
Funny Is
"It's funny because I was reading about, erm, the Alain Perrin this morning in the papers and he was saying 'I'm sorry for my English because it's not very good' but he's fluent isn't he? Because he makes himself understandable like an instant" Peter Schmeichel, Match Of The Day.
Joses Best Trick
As Jose states in his latest television advert, "my life is about staying one step ahead."
So can it be a coincidence that Jose issued his Tebbitesque rant against ex-mangers-turned-pundits "The best job in the world is to be a sacked coach...life as a parasite fulfils them professionally and economically...a visit to the bank to weigh up the interest rates, or to see if the salary the club is still paying you has cleared the account. Get to work you idle scoundrel!" in a newspaper column on the morning that Claudio Ranieri who recently received a trifling £5m pay-off from Valencia for being s**t to go alongside the reported £3.5m he received in severance from Chelski for a similar achievement made his debut as a pundit on Sky Sports?
Well, Well
"I thought he [Perrin] did well, I thought the players did well&they played well, Yakubu played well, Steve Stone did well" Peter Schmeichel provides his expert analysis on MOTD of Pompey v Charlton.
Losing Interest
"Well, yes, mathematically it is possible, and if we do the right things. We'll keep on pushing on, to get as many points as possible. Where that takes us to, we don't know. If it ends up with a Champions League spot, well be happy with it." Jay-Jay Okocha just falls short of 'we'll take every game as it comes' in his bid to utter the most banal comments of the season.
Strange, then, that Match of the Day saw fit to include these pearls of wisdom in their edited broadcast. The editorial value certainly escapes Mediawatchs notice. Unless, that is, it was a cunning ruse to make it seem that, in relative terms, Schmeichel was on the cutting edge of cutting analysis...
Doing What He Does
Begins a certain weekly column by a certain columnist in The Times:
'Remember that debate about who is the better striker, Thierry Henry or Ruud van Nistelrooy? Its not much of a question any more, is it? Ive seen Van Nistelrooy play three times since hes come back from injury and he reminds me of Michael Owen at the end of his Liverpool career. Theres uncertainty about the future there, some disillusionment perhaps.'
Remember, too, that this is how the piece begins. Remember that this is the topic of choice.
And then just try to fathom out the links that inevitably lead to a concluding paragraph of:
'Joining Marseilles transformed my career for the better. I worked hard and was totally focused on my game. I immersed myself in French life and the players respected my open-minded approach. They saw I was willing to learn and admired that. It's fair to say that when I played in Britain, I wouldnt have been over-enthusiastic about the notion of giving team-mates two pecks on the cheek when I arrived for training. When in France, though, it gave me great satisfaction, it was a sign of close friendship, of acceptance.'
Headline Of The Day
'Baggie Rousers' - The Daily Mirror on the Hawthorns revival.
Rumour Of The Day
Which footballer's girlfriend caused gasps in the players lounge last weekend when she rummaged in her handbag for a mobile phone...and pulled out a sex toy instead? - The Daily Mirror.