The Page Which Wants To Know If Anybody Literally Hangs Up Their Boots When They Quit Football
Friday April 01 2005
It's bound to be a Daily Mail special report soon...
April 1st Fools
Confirmation that Alan Shearer will not yet be appearing as a regular fence-sitter on Match of the Day has the unfortunate side-effect of increasing the chances that the red-faced Peter Schmeichel will be staying on our screens for at least another year.
There should also be a few red faces at the Daily Mirror after Shearer announced he would be staying on at Newcastle and not just for their sheer (no pun intended) gall at labelling their Shearer plays on story as an 'exclusive'.
'Alan Shearer is signing a new one-year deal at Newcastle United and stunning football by scrapping his retirement plans,' the paper reported in a story that sounded suspiciously like the one every other paper had, and internet sites, such as F365, had been reporting since Thursday evening. 'And Shearer will also put on hold a move to the BBC as a pundit - a U-turn that will shock his big pal Gary Lineker.'
The news may also be something of a shock to regular readers of the Mirror. A mere two weeks ago the Mirror announced in a backpage exclusive that really was an exclusive that Big Al had signed a deal with the BBC to quit football in May and join Match of the Day on a full-time basis.
'The BBC are hopeful the deal is in the bag,' the paper revealed, 'and Shearer has made it clear to television executives he will hang up his boots at the end of the season to pursue a media career.'
Hellish Stuff
Says Big Al as he explains his decision to play on:
"I went through a hell of a lot of people and the response was unanimous, that I should play on."
Not, 'That tackle has been outlawed, youre in the book, son?'
A Slight Difference Of Interpretation
'Toshack closes door on Savage - John Toshack yesterday gave the strongest hint to date that Robbie Savage will never play for Wales again while he is the manager.' The Independent.
'Toshack offers hope for Savage - John Toshack has left the door ajar for Robbie Savage to make a return to the Wales squad.' The Guardian.
Sticks And Stones
'Writes' Michael Owen in his column for The Times:
'At 5ft 8in, I can also state that I am no midget. I used to get called that when I was about 9 years old.'
Perhaps young Michael has been taking advice from England squad colleague David James.
Four years ago, James was labelled a "cretin" and a "moron" by Paolo di Canio. Ahead of their next meeting, James replied: "A cretin is someone suffering from thyroid deficiency. In some cases it led to dwarfism and I am 6'5' for God's sake. And a moron is an adult with a mental age between eight and 12. I am not a brainbox but I am more advanced that that."
Di Canio, though, had to have the final word. "David James must have a brain the size of a pea. I called him a cretin a year ago so it has taken him a whole year to find out the meaning of the word. My two-year-old daughter could learn quicker than that. In fact, people can go to university and do a whole degree course in that time. He has learnt the meaning of one or two words."
Intriguingly, less than a year later, the pair became team-mates at West Ham.
The Owen-Alberto spat doesn't appear to be destined to reach such heights, however.
"That is what made me mad, but I'm OK now," said Carlos after once again misinterpreting Owen's words, on this occasion misidentifying a clarification for an apology, rather than some banal words for a disgraceful and disrespectful slur on the proud nation of Azerbaijan. I wish him the best. He is a good player. I'm happy he has apologised and maybe one day we will share some caviar from Azerbaijan. It is very good."
The Obvious Essentials
Neil Warnock, the Sheffield United manager, has been espousing the virtues of one of his former charges in his latest column for the Beeb.
"Michael Brown, who left us for Tottenham, is loving life in the Premiership. His game is more than just tackling - he's got vision, he's got lungs and he's got quality."
So, in short, he can see and he can breathe (and possibly does both at the same time). So why isn't he in the England squad, Sven?
Behave, Or Youll Lose Your Pocketmoney
A few eyebrows down West London way are being raised after Chelski were fined a total of £33,000 for their Anders Frisk bother, and their manager was given a £9000 punishment.
While it's a small price to pay for causing indirectly or otherwise a referee to retire, it's still £2,500 more than Real Madrid were fined for the racist behaviour of their fans a month ago.
Still, as The Times points out, that £33k equates to approximately 30 minute's 'labour' for Roman, while Jose would be similarly inconvenienced for a mere 16 hours.
Footloose And Fancy Free
As more than one of you have asked after Jermaine Pennant declared, "I am looking forward to putting on my football boots and start training again", just how does he intend to do that with that tag around his ankle?
Our Old Friend Returns To The Airwaves
Having departed Talksport, Tony Cascarino has now been freed up to appear (as it were) on BBC Radio Five Live.
The great man made his debut on Thursday night. In summary: Different venue, same theme.
Within moments the topic of conversation had turned towards Michael Owen's lack of goals of late. Fortunately, Cazza was quick to put modesty aside and put matters in context:
"During my days at Celtic and Villa, it would have been easy to let my head go down when I wasn't scoring"
Although considering that Cascarino managed four goals in 30 games at Celtic, it's a wonder his chin ever left the floor.
Less explicable was his personal reference towards the theme of 'management being the toughest job in the world':
"When I was at Nancy, we went to play Steaua Bucharest and got beat 3-0 and I didn't get to bed til two."
No, we cant see the link either.
He couldn't be running out of personal anecdotes, could he?
Quote Of The Day
"I am not the type to make excuses but, for the free header in the first half, the cross came at me straight out of the floodlights. I was waiting for it to smack me on the nose." - Michael Owen.
Thanks to today's Mediawatch spotters: Andrew Marczak, Pete Langton and someone else whose name we lost.
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