The Page That Also Looks Up To The Nevilles

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Balls To That

Who says football is a namby-pamby game?

Boys, the challenge is to read this from the BBC website without clutching instinctively at your groin: 'The match was notable for the presence of Ivorian goalkeeper Jean-Jacques Tizie, who returned to competitive action for the Elephants a month after losing a testicle in a freak accident while playing for Tunisian club Esperance.'

Now that's got to smart.

Model Behaviour

According to the latest issue of Private Eye, the following profile appears on realmadrid.com...

'David Beckham - Place of birth: Leytonstone, London. Date of birth: 02/05/75. Weight: 74kgs. Height: 182cms. Curious Facts: He likes tattoos and enjoys trying new models in his free time.'

The Press Get Tight

'Scrooge' says the back page of the Daily Express, '1-0? You're Azzing A Larf' says (inexplicably) the back page of The Sun, while The Daily Mail derides Sven-Goran Eriksson for his 'joke of a battle cry'. His crime? Daring to say that getting the win against Azerbaijan was more important than racking up a cricket score.

Imagine the press reaction if Eriksson has said England would score five or six goals? The phrase 'Bertie Big Bollocks' comes to mind. Come on fellas, give the poor bloke a chance.

Funnily enough, criticism of current golden boy John Terry is not so forthcoming after he admitted: "As long as we win, by a single goal or 15-0, we stay in pole position."

Sorry but it seems Mediawatch must be missing the John 'Dull As Buggery' Terry headlines...

Young Conservatives

'To celebrate the publication of Ark Angel, Chelsea FC...is offering two young Telegraph readers a chance to be match mascot for a game...The winning pair (one boy, one girl, aged six to 14) will meet the team...'

Hands up anyone who has seen a ten-year-old girl reading the Daily Telegraph. Anyone? Anyone at all?

Let's Play Catchphrase

Tuesday's Mediawatch offered a free t-shirt for the first to spot the phrase 'there are no easy games in international football' ahead of the Azerbaijan game. So congratulations to Paul Goss, who was the first to spot the first in a line of guilty parties...

David Beckham in the Sunday Mirror: "I know it's a cliche but there are no easy games in international football."

The Yorkshire Post: 'The adage 'there are no easy games in international football' should be disproved further tonight when England take on hapless Azerbaijan...'

Sporting Life: 'There are no easy games in international football any longer, they say...'

Henry WInter in the Daily Telegraph: '...the old saying that there are no easy games at international level has been rather dispelled by the Azeri travails.'

Soccer****: '...the most incredible falsity you will probably hear this week will come from the England camp when they roll out the old adage that there are 'no easy games in international football'.'

Who else is surprised that Beckham knows the meaning of the word 'cliche'?

Worst Headline Of The Day
'I Beck Him To The Hilt' - The Sun.

Quote Of The Day
"I just try to learn from the senior players around me in the squad and Gary and Phil do it all. They eat all the right food and do all the right training" - Wayne Rooney wants to be a Neviller. And who can blame him?

Rumour Of The Day
'Angry Barcelona fans wrecked their dresing room after losing to Chelsea in the Champions League' - The Sun.

Thanks to today's Mediawatch spotters: Nick Said.

Seen or heard anything that belongs on this page? It could be a commentator's gaffe, a terrible headline pun, a brilliant spelling error or just about anything daft that appears in the papers or on TV or radio. Send your submissions to , putting Mediawatch in the subject field

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