The Page Which Would Look Far Better If It Didn't Have To Now Have These Blasted Paragraph Breaks
Tuesday March 29 2005
So the population of North Korea isnt alone in being unable to recognise David Beckham (kinda makes you look favourably on the idea of a two-week package holiday to Pyongyang, doesn't it?)
And if the BBC Sport website is anything to go by, it also appears that Rio's pledge never to sign for Chelsea is about as reliable as his punctuality when the drugs testers come calling...
'England give Joe Cole his first competitive start on the left-hand side against Northern Ireland. The Chelsea midfielder, who has previously started two friendlies, is joined by club team-mates John Terry and Rio Ferdinand in the line-up.'
The Living Definition Of 'An Unreliable Witness'
26 February: "When I saw Rijkaard entering the referee's dressing-room I couldn't believe it. When Didier Drogba was sent off I wasn't surprised." Writes Jose Mourinho in his weekly column for Dez Record, a weekly Portuguese magazine.
15 March: Spokesman William Gaillard reports that UEFA are in possession of a signed statement from Mourinho in which the Chelski boss claims he saw Rijkaard enter Frisk's dressing room.
28 March: Jose Mourinho admits that he didnt see Rijkaard enter Frisk's dressing room, announcing: "If something happens in the football stadium and I don't see it and if some of my people say to me 'I saw this', I say it's true."
Even when you don't strictly know if it is true, Jose?
If this was a court of law, hed be charged with perjury. Fortunately, hes the new messiah, hes given the press something different to chew on from the usual Fergie-Wenger diet, and the only person who has really suffered is a referee, who was subjected to a few death threats and so forth which resulted in his retirement, so thats alright then.
The Living Definition Of Inevitable
Writes Tony Cascarino in his column for Ireland's hot press, ostensibly on the subject of the Republic of Ireland's squad selection for the trip to Israel:
'Brian Kerr has said that hes toying with the idea of starting with Stephen Elliot up front, but despite his 18 goals for Sunderland this season, Im not sure if hell risk blooding him in such an important game. That said, Id only just started at Gillingham in '85 when I was thrown in at the deep end against Switzerland and ended up the man of the match!'
Writes Tony Cascarino in his column for The Times, ostensibly on the subject of international week:
'International level? If there's one thing about internationals, they are not level...I have to tell you that playing the national anthems before a match does not automatically signal an intense contest. In fact, in my experience, when the band struck up The Soldier's Song it usually meant I was in for a nice relaxing break from the strains of club football. I'd play seven or eight times a year for Ireland on average and roughly six of those games I'd define as pretty easy.
Coming next week: 'International week wasnt hard enough for me, by three-times World Cup winner Tony Cascarino'.
Oh. Hang on...
The Living Definition Of A Difficult Dilemma
Says Gail Porter, in The News Of The World as she recounts the tell-tale signs that her marriage to that fella from Toploader was in trouble:
"After I had Honey [the couples baby, not the stuff that goes on toast] I wasn't in the mood for sex. I just didn't feel sexy any more and I didn't make an effort. I had humungous breasts and didn't want sex with Dan. I was worried I'd suffocate him. I was always hanging around in pyjamas - but the one time I felt like getting dressed up my timing was all wrong. England were playing Germany and I put on the most sexy lingerie ever and tried to distract Dan but he wouldn't stop watching the game."
See what we mean by a difficult dilemma?
Still, it's good to know that there was at least one Scot that weekend who wasn't busy supporting Germany.
The Living Definition Of Ironic
From the Football365 home page: 'Beckham Has To Sort Himself Out George Best'
The Living Definition Of Ironic, Part Two
Boasts Jonathan Barnett, Ashley Cole's agent, to The Times as he explains how he has made his sports management agency into such a profitable success:
"We're the biggest in Britain. We're proud of what weve achieved. Sportsmen come to us through word of mouth. Weve never instigated a transfer."
The Living Definition Of The Blind Leading The Blind
With debts of £30m, and the threat of administration hanging over the club, Cardiff City have appointed Peter Ridsdale, the former Leeds chairman, to solve its financial crisis.
The Living Definition Of 'An Inappropriate Comment'
According to the commentator of the Liverpool Legends vs. Celebs benefit match at Anfield, when the legends team played in Thailand, they were "inundated" with support.
And Finally, A Request
With England playing the might of Azerbaijan this Wednesday, a t-shirt of your choice from the F365 Shop for the first reader who spots the words: 'There are no easy games in international football'.
Headline Of The Day
'Mourinho puts blind faith in his staff over battle with Uefa' The Times
Worst Headline Of The Day
'Sweet Azer Nut' Heaven knows what The Sun were thinking about.
Quote Of The Day
"Give us Fredi Kanouté. We're going to kill him" The Mali crowd deliver a pep-talk to their star striker. Perhaps the long-suffering Spurs faithful should give it a whirl.
Rumour Of The Day
Violence before, during and after Germany's friendly victory in Slovenia on Saturday left the 2006 World Cup hosts fearing a revival of hooliganism before next year's finals' The Guardian brings us the good news.
Thanks to today's Mediawatch spotters: David McCarthy, Brendan Sweeney, Stephen Wright and Rob Herbert.
Seen or heard anything that belongs on this page? It could be a commentator's gaffe, a terrible headline pun, a brilliant spelling error or just about anything daft that appears in the papers or on TV or radio. Send your submissions to , putting Mediawatch in the subject field