The Page Which Isnt Sure A Mansion Can Be A Palace Or Vice Versea
Thursday March 31 2005
You Scrub My Back&
Daily Telegraph readers should be in no doubt who was the star of the show on Wednesday night, or what was the games principal talking point.
'Stung by recent criticism, David Beckham last night showed his enduring importance to the cause of St George, playing with dynamism and discipline, creating Steven Gerrard's opener and striking a fine second himself,' informs the paper's chief football correspondent, Henry Winter. 'Poor against Northern Ireland on Saturday, Beckham was terrific here, becoming the darling of the Gallowgate for his wholehearted contribution.
'Not even the drizzle could rain on Beckham's parade as he worked hungrily to break down the resistance of the Azerbaijan defence.'
And Mediawatch wouldn't like to rain on anyones parade, but...
Such fulsome praise, completely out of proportion to the quality of opposition Beckham was pitted against, couldnt in any way be connected to Beckham's decision to hold an exclusive interview with Winter last Autumn (no seasonal pun intended) from his Beckingham Palace mansion in which he informed the lucky hack that he had deliberately got himself booked against Wales, could it?
Frankly Speaking
For no other reason than that theyre amusing us a great deal, let's just have those Carlos quotes one more time:
I'd like to tell this little guy This man. What's his name? The number 10, the small one who doesn't play in the Real Madrid first team - that he should have some respect. I've been in football for 45 years. Who is Michael Owen? What has he won? The World Cup? OK, he plays for Real Madrid but he is on the bench every game and he does not have the right to say he will score five goals against us.
"He needs to clean his tongue and wash David Beckham's boots with it because they got rain on them tonight and that's all he's worth. He thinks he's the king but who is he? What is his history?
"Mr Eriksson is a gentleman and I will tell him to teach this shoddy little guy to respect everyone. To be a footballer first you have to be a man and he's not. I hope he respects his family but I don't know if he does. And I hope one day he plays in Real Madrid's starting line-up. He's a midget and I am not prepared to discuss him any longer."
Just as intriguing is the Sky Sports declaration:
"Owen brandished a 'midget'"
Is there no level to which these misbehaving footballers won't stoop?
Ball Skills
From Mediawatch's new favourite site, realmadrid.com, and their profile of the 'useless midget' Michael Owen:
'He is the essence of the modern forward. His handling of the ball is excellent, just like his speed and his scoring skills.'
Wrong on all counts, then.
What It Should Have Been
Well, what with young Michael doing a fair impersonation of Andy Cole, the expected walkover turned into something of an uphill trudge for England on Wednesday night.
Hells bells, with fifteen minutes still to go, the Azers [or whatever they're supposed to be called] nearly had the impertinence to score.
"It really should be 2-1," wailed BBC commentator John Motson, taking time out from giving the stats about how many substitutions Sven has made from minutes 72 to 77 during his England reign.
'It should be 2-1' certainly sounded good, but if it 'should' have been 2-1 on the basis that Azerbaijan had created a chance, surely Motty should have screamed: "It really should be 33-1, with the England defence perhaps temporarily distracted by Michael Owen completing his lap of honour to commemorate his thirteenth goal of the evening."
Worst Headline Of The Day
"Morr is Red Hot Lob-Star" The Irish Mirror on the Ireland-China tie.
Quote Of The Day
"Bloody people. I can't bear them." Britain's future king shares his thoughts on the world. Nothing like biting the hand that feeds you, is there?
Rumour Of The Day
'Two teenagers arrested for bursting balloons during the Queen's visit to Wakefield said they did it as a joke. The 17-year-olds pleaded guilty at Wakefield Youth Court to a charge of threatening behaviour. The court heard how the balloons had sounded like gunshots to trained firearms officers gathered around the city's Cathedral' From the BBC News website. Almost as bewildering as being arrested and found guilty of bursting a balloon is being booked for putting a football boot back on.
Thanks to today's Mediawatch spotters: Ben Ward, Simon Iversen, Niall.
Seen or heard anything that belongs on this page? It could be a commentator's gaffe, a terrible headline pun, a brilliant spelling error or just about anything daft that appears in the papers or on TV or radio. Send your submissions to , putting Mediawatch in the subject field