The Page Which Is Just A Little Grumpy
Friday March 18 2005
Shear Hell As A Pundit
Disappointing news for armchair football aficionados and Newcastle supporters: The Daily Mirror reports that Alan Shearer has agreed to leave Newcastle for Match of the Day at the end of the season.
'The BBC are hopeful the deal is in the bag,' the paper reveals, 'and Shearer has made it clear to television executives he will hang up his boots at the end of the season to pursue a media career.'
Quite why Shearer is so eager to ditch football for punditry is almost as mystifying as why the Beeb are so keen to sign him up.
This, lest we forget, is a man branded 'Mary Poppins' by his own chairman due to his whiter-than-white image. The master of anodyne post-match interview, Shearer owns the original copyright for 'I don't mind if I dont score so long as the team wins/It's not about me scoring today, its about the team.'
'BBC chiefs already have Gary Lineker, Alan Hansen, Mark Lawrenson and Peter Schmeichel on their Match of the Day panel,' adds the Mirror. 'But Shearer would be a major coup and they also believe he is opinionated enough to be a success.'
The notion that Shearer is opinionated is laughable. His stints on Match of the Day to date have been marked merely be his readiness to join in the old boys act by laughing along at Linekers ceaseless attempts to out-Des Des Lynam and his fondness for the ubiquitous fall-back of Hell be disappointed with that" particularly insipid when delivered in Shearers drone - whenever Joe Bloggs manages to miss an open goal/is sent off in the first minute/decapitates himself on the goal netting.
The key to understanding the Beebs motive surely lies in the view that 'Shearer would be a major coup.'
As a former England captain and the all-time leading goalscorer in the Premiership he will be just that.
But what use is that as a pundit? Such feats certainly offer no guarantee that his views will carry an insight for viewers on what has already become a disappointingly bland and politically correct programme. Quite the opposite in fact; Shearers career to date only suggests that he will advance Match of the Days inexorable slide towards tedium.
Yet at least Shearers standing in the game partly explains why he should be considered as a possible pundit to broadcast to the nation.
But how to explain the ubiquitous presence of Steve Claridge across the media network?
Now playing in approximately Englands tenth-tier, Claridges only claim to flame is that he has appeared at more clubs than Kieron Dyer. As a pundit, he fares no better than he does as a player. Apparently viewed by broadcaster producers as a quirky 'Jack-the-lad' well, thats the only explanation we can muster, and, believe us, we've given it a great deal of thought Claridge is barely comprehensible either in speech or thought.
Yet, bafflingly, his appearances are becoming increasingly frequent. A regular on Sky Sports, he single-handedly proved the pitfalls of the Beeb policy to dumb-down when he moved on to BBC Radio Five Live.
His nadir, though, surely had to be his punditry for new employers Five on Thursday night as Boro faced Sporting Lisbon.
In a passable imitation of Michael Stipe at his most incomprehensible, Claridge delivered the majority of his views in what can only be described as a mumble.
Whenever he deigned to speak, however, confused reigned. Apparently mixing up Southampton with Boro, he then baffled his hapless co-commentator by asking about La Liga standings rather than Uefa Cup groups (Or perhaps that was the other way around; it was difficult to follow).
Only when asked about his activities in whatever league it is that he now graces did Claridge come to life, suddenly and eagerly expanding on the details of his goalscoring record this season in front of two men and a stray mongrel. Which must have been of great interest to the Boro fans as their team battled manfully to overturn their first-leg deficit in the UEFA Cup.
Silence would have been preferential.
Which is surely the worst that can ever be said about a pundit.
Were all off to Brazil
With air of inevitability and the faint stench of a publicity stunt listeners who tuned into TalkNONSENSE at 6am on this Friday morning were greeted with the words:
'Alan Brazil has called in sick'.
This will come as no surprise to Brazil's fellow attendees at the Cheltenham Festival. While the details are somewhat sketchy, for obvious reasons, there have been rumours filtering out of Gloucestershire that Brazil was last seen taking an, erm, impromptu nap under a tree after personally consuming enough beverages to keep a pub chain profitable for a month.
As the man with the world's most rotund head himself noted in his interview with The Guardian (conducted, naturally, from the Guinness tent) on Tuesday: "I'm a social animal and sometimes I overstep the mark."
Given his absence from work on Friday, however, his next words are somewhat prophetic:
"The one thing about me is that I don't pull sickies. I'm always honest and I always go in, even if I am a little worse for wear."
Quite so.
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Fergie In Speaking Nonsense Shocker
'Sir Alex Ferguson claims Premiership leaders Chelsea will never be a bigger club than Manchester United,' reports the BBC website. 'But Ferguson said: "Chelsea played Barcelona, but all the attention was on our game with AC Milan."'
So much so that given the choice between Chelski-Barca and AC Milan-ManYoo, it was Chelski who were broadcast on ITV1, with ManYoo shunted away to the less accessible ITV2.
What A Difference A Day Makes
Friday's back-page lead on the Daily Mirror 'Gerrard: We're Up Four It'
Thursday's back-page lead on the Daily Mirror - 'Two-Faced Reds Are Not Up Four It'
Great News
"Everybody knows that Michael is a great player and a great goalscorer," says David Beckham on a website not a million miles away.
"People see what a great goalscorer he is but it's difficult for the coach because he has also got two great players in Raul and Ronaldo to choose from."
Great!
Mirror Image
Reports The Daily Mirror:
'Lauren: 'We Don't Need Sol Lauren believes Arsenal have finally learned how to cope without key defender Sol Campbell after chalking up four successive clean sheets.'
Actual quotes in which Lauren mentions Campbell: None.
Meanwhile, 'Arsenal boss Arsene Wenger is ready to cash in on Robert Pires this summer as he begins plotting his Highbury rebuilding plans,' reports The Mirror in the least believable rumour of the day, adding later: 'His age also will tempt Arsenal to consider offers.'
Just out of mild curiosity, considering he's 32 just how much cash does the Mirror reckon the Arse will raise for the gravitationally-challenged and past-his-sell-by-date wonder?
Thanks to today's Mediawatch spotters: Jim Caris .
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