Tomorrow's Chip Wrappers Rated and Slated

Stan Goes Where The Sun Does Shine
The News Of The World brings fresh news of the misdeeds of Stan Collymore, "whose latest sick trick is to show off intimate pictures of ex-girlfriend Ulrika Jonsson." The NOTW gets in a right old lather, headlining the piece "How Low Can You Stoop, Stan", before finding the obligatory "pal" to say "showing off pictures of Ulrika is typical of him. But to use pictures like that is really nasty, even by his standards." Of course, the NOTW are just bitter that Stan did not stoop low enough to sell the snaps to The Sun - who could then have plastered them all over page three...


Becks And Posh Update
The First Couple Of Showbusiness continue to take up space in the "news" sections of the tabloids. The less said the better about The People's decision to get their artists to imagine what they would look like if dressed and made-up as Wayne and Waynetta Slob. "The newlyweds... are to ape the hideous TV couple played by Harry Enfield and Kathy Burke for an amazing photo shoot later this year. But your Sunday People couldn't wait that long." Better work from the News Of The World, which assembled pictures of the £687,090 worth of cars David has owned so far - plus a chance to win the J-reg Ford Escort he drove when a United trainee.


Moron Watch
There's always one. Writing on the basis of last week's crime figure rather than the Cardiff v Millwall incidents, Carole Sarler in The People recommends vigilante action to deal with football hooligans. "I'd like to make a girlie suggestion all the way from my old girls' school; it worked there and it would work again." If there's trouble, ban all fans from the next game, then "the bosses, the friends, the neighbours... who know exactly where the disruptive few are" would take care of things, like schoolgirls dealing with the ones who landed the whole class in detention. "Phone calls would be made, a few doors would be knocked late at night, a few 'little chats' would take place." More than ever people travel from all over the country to watch games, rather than clubs drawing only on small communities. You can bet your life that rival hoolies would cause trouble at games not involving their clubs to get another side's supporters banned. The action she is calling for would lead to the prosecution of everyone concerned, and turn football into a battleground. Trees died for this.


Life After Des
Old wounds linger with Gary Lineker - and so do new ones. Des Lynam was the loathing that dare not speak its name as Gary hosted both Football Focus and Match Of The Day with sly digs at the defector. A lunchtime discussion of Anelka, Hasslebaink et al included "Contracts are meaningless these days - at least in television." The evening show opened with him lying back in his chair, saying, "Hi, football's back, in case you didn't know," in a wooden drawl. Rory Bremner, your job is safe. Better, though, was his earlier sparring with Graham Taylor on Football Focus, over the substitution in the 1992 European Championships that ended Gary's England career. After the usual pleasantries, and then a reasonable discussion of Watford's chances this season, Gary concluded the interview by saying, "I'm sorry Graham, there's 20 minutes left, I've got to take you off." The former England managed then thanked "Des" through slightly gritted teeth.


Those Early Season Blues
Just a quick mention for Sky's Soccer Extra. After its exhaustive run through Saturday's Division One action, featuring the 3-1 pasting Nottingham Forest received at Portman Road, an advert for the big lunchtime game flashed up. "Live and exclusive, Manchester City v Ipswich."


IN A NUTSHELL

Headline Of The Day
'The Day Camara Clicked For Houllier' - The Independent On Sunday on the match-winning effort from the usually goal-shy Titi.

Worst Headline Of The Day
'Welsh Snub Was A Pay-ne' - The News Of The World gives Terry Venables' story of not getting the Wales job a heading just as lame as the sponsorship line on the column, from Burtons Menswear: "Ad-dressing the football nation."

Quote Of The Day
"It's crazy, really, paying so much money for a footballer of my qualities" - Liverpool's Erik Meijer on his unexpected bonanza from a Premiership contract.

Rumour Of The Day
"A City consortium is preparing a sensational £1billion bid to take over Manchester United and put Sir Alex Ferguson in charge of the club." - The News Of The World