By Dave Bowler, Luke Bainbridge And Steve Anglesey

THEATRE

THE FOOTBALL FACTORY: THE PLAY
Brighton Theatre Events (Touring Nationwide Until December, See Local Press)
John King's best-seller about Chelsea hooligans reaches the second step on the print-stage-celluloid path previously trodden by Fever Pitch and Trainspotting. And happily, given the essential rottenness of this poor man's Clockwork Orange, it's with considerably less success than the other two. You can blame a lumpen dramatisation and woefully miscast lead actor Mark Kilmurry - though London's Burning actor Stephen North and Preston Front's Nick Miles are excellent in supporting roles - but the biggest problem is the original material, which seems even more inauthentic here than it did on the page. These cartoon character hoolies simply don't exist any more - except, perhaps, in the imaginations of cash-in novelists and the kind of idiot reader who believes an Irvine Welsh book will tell him all he needs to know about working-class life. Go and see a match instead of supporting this garbage. 0/5, SA

BOOKS

EXTRA TIME - A SEASON IN THE LIFE OF A FOOTBALL FAN
Kevin Sampson (Yellow Jersey Press, £10)
Another bloody diary. Any fan's efforts must draw comparisons with Fever Pitch, but even by those high standards this isn't bad at all. Sampson and his colleagues are a suitably colourful bunch, obsessed with Liverpool, angered by the new breed of fan, always on the lookout for their next pint. The digressions into his own footballing prowess are a bit meaningless and, as one to whom fashion is only an ancient Bowie song, discussions of whether shirts should be tucked in or not are beyond dull. That apart, Sampson has an eye for a story - the description of McManaman's goal at Celtic and its aftermath is superb. Dock a point though for looking for sympathy over Liverpool's recent lack of success and a jacket that describes them as a sleeping giant. 3/5

DEADLY!
Doug Ellis (Sports Projects, £14.95)
With feverish impatience I wrenched open the cover to devour this autobiography. And it doesn't disappoint. Pompous, tedious, quintessential Ellis. This is a man who uses phrases like "raucous hilarity" when describing the noise coming from Big Ron's office as he entertained post-match, the noise embarrassing all in the directors' room. Shame. Trying to portray himself as a big player in the market, he recalls how Villa could have snapped up Andy Cole for £2m, "if memory serves me correctly". Is Doug right or should we believe Atkinson when he says "he had more chance of signing Nat King Cole"? Look, I was paid to read this bilge, but if you feel at all tempted by it, you really ought to get out more. 0/5, DB

KEN BATES: MY CHELSEA DREAM
Brian Woolnough (Virgin, £16.99)
No Ken Bates, no Chelsea. That's the theme of Woolnough's biography of football's premier Captain Birdseye impersonator and there's no doubting that truth. Bates is a ruthless businessman, driven to get what he wants. What he wants is to be remembered as Mr. Chelsea and in swatting away Harding and Gullit, he'll most likely get his wish. But how can you respect a man who, even now, post-Hillsborough, thinks it was right to electrify the fences at the Bridge, reckons supporters are undercharged and accuses clubs of not "taking advantage of their supporters' good will"? Even so, he isn't quite an ogre, even if David Mellor says he reminds him of Thatcher (with friends like that...). It falls to Mellor to give us the best line of any book this year: "I was not some little slug for (Harding) to kick around the garden." Says who? 3/5, DB

MY AUTOBIOGRAPHY
Teddy Sheringham (Little Brown, £16.99)
Poor Ted. His timing's not what it was. Publishing your autobiography when you're in United's stiffs, your England place has been taken by a teenager and in the wake of controversial tomes from Adams and Hoddle is not a recipe to set cash tills humming. He's his own man, listing tactical arguments with Ferguson and Hoddle, but beyond the catalogue of games and goals, he's not got much to say. The meat comes when Teddy gets a kick from exposing Alan Sugar as both a bully and a buffoon. Elsewhere, he defends himself over the Portugal and Hong Kong nightclub incidents - Teddy reveals that Bryan Robson was the chaperone at the time of the infamous dentist's chair episode, which is like putting Dwight Yorke in charge of Cheltenham Ladies College. Unfortunately though, this is no more than a solid, professional, unspectacular read. 2/5, DB

VIDEOS

MANCHESTER UNITED ON VIDEO,
AUGUST/SEPTEMBER 1998/99
(Manchester United Video, £9.99)
A bit on the cosy side, but inevitably so. The Murdoch saga is glossed over quickly, though the IMUSA do get a chance to put their point of view across, and an equally swift interview with Dwight Yorke disappointingly fails to rummage through his home video collection. On the plus side, the action footage - including the pre-season and Munich games - runs to 52 goals and allows United fans a final glimpse of King Eric. It also raises the question as to whether Schmeichel might be joining Seaman on the slippery slope, news the rest of the Premiership, at least, would love. 3/5, DB

THEATRE OF DREAMS:
AN INSIDER'S GUIDE TO OLD TRAFFORD
(Manchester United Video, £12.99)
United may extract the urine out of the fans slightly with the number of videos they produce, but at least most of them are actually interesting fodder for fans. Some on the other hand, are simply milking the cash cow for all it's worth, and this belongs firmly in the latter category. Presented by the useless Eamonn Holmes, Theatre of Dreams is full of mind-blowing information like the fact that 2000 people work at Old Trafford on match days. That may be correct, but the fans are only interested in the lives of about 15 of them. Unfortunately, Eamonn spends an hour interviewing everybody but the players - the press officer, ticket office manager, car park attendant, kit manager and even the dibble. A brief chat with Alex Ferguson prevents you from nodding off, but the only worthwhile segment of this entire sorry exercise is a clip showing Peter Schmeichel sheepishly approaching David Beckham to ask: "I need some autographs from your girlfriend - five of them." 1/5, LB