The Page Which Depresses The Press And Attacks The Hacks

HEADLINE OF THE MILLENNIUM
For some reason, this headline from France Football (it's a French magazine about football), has caused a raft of Beavis And Butthead-style sniggerage at F365 Towers. Can you see why?


CLIVE AND KICKING (HIMSELF)
Reader Laurence Dampier points out that, after a particularly classy Dennis Bergkamp pass in Arsenal's demolition of Wimbledon on Wednesday night, Sky Sports analyst Clive Allen offered this superb piece of metaphor manglage: "That was a needle through the haystack job." Worthy of Big Ron himself, we're saying.


YOU'LL NEVER WIN ANYTHING WITH KIDS. UNTIL YOU DO
In less mellow times, Alex Ferguson was heard to dismiss Match Of The Day as "the Liverpool Supporters' Club at the BBC", claiming bias against his club. Clearly, nothing could be further from the truth. And the fact that in the current issue of Radio Times, Alan Hansen selects as his Match Of The Week not tonight's trifle in Turin but last Saturday's crucial Aston Villa v Liverpool fixture? Just an oversight, obviously.


GRIM GRIN
With the Kosovo crisis still deadlocked and lunatics planting bombs in Brixton, The Daily Mirror devoted a full page yesterday to the real story that's gripping Britain at present: Why does the future Mrs Beckham insist on looking so glum every time she is photographed?

In a piece which will long be remembered for plumbing new shallows in Mirror journalism, psychologist Ben Renshaw was called on to described the patented Madame Posh pout as: "a defensive and protective facial expression. Maybe she is still in a dilemma about whether she wants to give her baby such exposure. Subconsciously, she is warning people off, displaying a sense of ownership, sending the message 'This is my family - you're not going to touch them'."

There could, of course, be another explanation: that when our Vicky smiles she looks scarier than anything in the recently re-released Texas Chainsaw Massacre - a strange hybrid of Esther Rantzen, Austin Powers and Sigourney Weaver's old sparring partner, The Queen Alien. Any photographic proof would be greatly appreciated.


STUDD FARM
Reader Alex Gage informs us that the man Media Watch recently named as the most biased commentator of all time, Rod Studd, is not only alive and well, but has recently formed a commentary partnership on local radio in Manchester with Paddy Crerand.

'Cow Pat', regular readers will recall, recently had to be protected from an angry crowd of Derby supporters, such was the bias of a recent match analysis, and only last week said that having watched Arsenal's French players defending, it was easy to see why the Nazis were able to overrun their country in World War Two.

Media Watch implores Mancunian listeners to have their radios ready on Wednesday night. All examples of laughable bias will be gratefully appreciated.


REDUCED POMPEY CIRCUMSTANCES
A Daily Telegraph report tells us that Portsmouth owe £1 million to their bank, nearly £200,000 to the VAT man, and just under £500,000 to the Inland Revenue. They also owe half a million pounds to the estate of former Pompey owner John Gregory, and a further £300,000 to various clubs for unpaid transfer fees. But why, oh why, does the City of Portsmouth Girls' School appear on the list of creditors, owed a princely £348.63? Suggestions to the usual address...


BOOKER PRIZE WINNER AHOY!
The Times informs us that well-respected MUTV presenter Terry Christian is shortly to publish a book of his memories of life as a schoolboy Manchester United supporter. This eagerly-awaited tome goes by the gratifyingly useless title of Reds In The Hood. Did you see what Terry did there?

Media Watch hopes it will include Christian's teary-eyed reminiscences of Bobby Charlton's testimonial, a match which made such an impression upon him that he once appeared on Fantasy Football League clutching its souvenir programme, presumably to underline his credentials as a long-time United fan.

"That," said the great Frank Skinner, "is the first decent programme you've ever been associated with, Terry."


IN A NUTSHELL

Headline Of The Day
'Bermondsey's Top Nonce Sharing Cell With Shamed Chelsea Coach Graham Rix' - Local London paper The Southwark News with a sensitive expose of prison life.

Worst Headline Of The Day
'Reid Uses Fredgaard Action To Stir It Up' - The Daily Mail on Sunderland's new addition.

Quote Of The Day
"He was a filthy man. I was glad to be rid of him. Graham Rix can have him" - Alice Tompkins, former next-door-neighbour of the aforementioned Top Bermondsey Nonce, again in the mighty Southwark News. Respect due to Martin Chilton of The London Evening Standard for bringing it to our attention.

Rumour Of The Day
"British football is heading for chaos under a barmy FIFA plan which will allow players to walk out on clubs whenever they want. Football's governing body plan to force through legislation handing players COMPLETE freedom of movement." - A good story in The Mirror. How did that get there?