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GAME REVIEW
EURO LEAGUE FOOTBALL
Published By Sold Out Software, for PC, £19.99
THE first game to offer a combination of arcade footy game and management simulation, ELF is an enjoyable if not a revolutionary experience. Its good points are many, and mostly centred around the management section, which allows you to dabble in everything from the transfer market to next week's pie order through a series of graphics-heavy screens that are a world away from the spreadsheets of Championship Manager.
In an excellent idea nicked from the brilliant Civilisation, virtual staff members are enlisted to proffer advice on what you should do, and the tinkering which ensues does seem to have a real effect upon your progress in league and cups. The stadium rebuilding section, in which you can convert Hull's Boothferry Park into a 160,000-seater, is also highly impressive, showing off a graphical flash which is evident throughout.
The game's problems lie in its arcade section. Players simply don't respond quickly or realistically enough and the commentary, by Dominik Diamond, is also unremittingly awful. Diamond's delivery is stilted and often the tone of his voice bears no relevance to what's just happened - he'll deadpan "Beckham", for instance, when the man himself has just curled in a 40-yard free kick. However, the Celtic fan does get slightly more animated whenever Rangers score...
All in all, then, ELF isn't the greatest arcade game or management sim ever - but that's not really the point. It's the combination of the two things - the chance to affect results by your actions on the training ground and on the field - that makes this a worthwhile diversion from the big boys of both genres. Add on a clever database, updatable via the internet, that lets you view statistics and personal details for every player in the game, and Euro League Football begins to look like a very good deal indeed.
**** Steve Anglesey
THE WORST FOOTBALL GAMES IN THE WORLD... EVER
Euro League Football is good. These weren't...
Soccer Mania, GameBoy 1991 Ambitiously, the programmers decided that their footballers would not be the stick men of yore but large, lifelike characters. Sadly, this backfired in two ways. First, large footballers meant a large player area and hence unless you're in the penalty boxes or around the centre circle, it's impossible to tell where you are on the pitch. Second, the players, with their odd proportions and bowl haircuts, oddly resemble the Happy Mondays' Shaun Ryder before his crack problem took hold.
Soccer Kid, 3DO 1994 Hasty purchasers rushed home to plug this in their hugely successful 3DO consoles only to find that, far from a footy simulation, this was actually a platform game in which a round-headed child traversed the world knocking out baddies with his trusty soccer ball. Cue instant trip back to shop and employment of old "unwanted present" ruse.
Manchester United, Super Nintendo, 1994 The William Prunier of computer games. With clunky gameplay and chunky graphics, not even Manchester United fans deserved this dismal effort, which naturally sold by the buckletload.
Soccer Brawl, Arcade 1995 Imagine what football will be like in the future, when players have been replaced by robots who, rather than shoulder-charging, will simply blow the opposition to bits with thermonuclear devices. It'll be cool, won't it? On this evidence, no.
Puma Street Soccer, PlayStation 1999 The traditional game of four-a-side football (!) came to the PlayStation and left again shortly after with widespread derision in its wake. Ugly and unforgivably slow - more plump housecat than sleek Puma.
BOOK REVIEWS
BARMY ARMY: THE CHANGING FACE OF FOOTBALL VIOLENCE
By Dougie Brimson
Headline paperback, £6.99
HERE comes the 937th book on fighting at football from the pen of former hoolie Brimson, now paying karmically for his previous crimes and misdemeanours by dint of his support for Premiership whipping boys Watford.
Like his other books, it's far better than much of the vile hooli-porn genre - especially so in this case, since the author has used up his stock of war stories in his 936 earlier works and so is able to devote himself to a discussion of the causes and effects of the English disease rather than indulging in the pathetic recollections of adolescent argy-bargy which have fattened the wallets of too many balding ex-thugs.
Brimson's analysis might be more man in the pub than sociology lecturer, but even if his conclusions are naive, his research is faultless and his heart is in the right place.
*** Steve Anglesey
WINNERS AND LOSERS: THE BUSINESS STRATEGY OF FOOTBALL
By Stefan Szymanski and Tim Kuypers
Viking paperback, £9.99
FROM dull brown front cover to dull brown back cover, this book is dull. It's extremely heavy going, meticulously detailed and full of complex business theories. I don't think I'm alone in not wanting to wade through page after page of detailed examination of the history of the maximum wage, for instance.
Fair enough, you might say, you wouldn’t expect a book claiming to analyse the reasons for success on and off the field to be a laugh a minute. What is really disappointing, however, is the lack of anything new or interesting or any real insight. For example, 18 pages are dedicated to the conclusion that "there tends to be a significant relationship between expenditure on wages and league position".
This book bombards you with facts, figures, theories, tables and charts but the overall feeling is that the conclusions are obvious and you learn nothing new.
In one of his funnier moments, comedian Alexei Sayle theorised that learning a new pointless fact could lead to forgetting something much more important. If I can’t remember any of my Stan Bowles anecdotes, I will hold Messrs Szymanski and Kuypers personally responsible.
* Mark Poole
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